Saturday, January 30, 2010

I Want to be Perfect

I want to be perfect. I do. This last week of school has been somewhat stressful, as I try to find that balance of how much I can handle and how to manage my time. So I have also been wondering why I want to do everything that I do (and already don't). I have this idea in my head of the sort of person that I want to be and somehow have to fill that role. I want to make lots of art, that all works, making several pieces that get shown, even giving advice to others along the way. I want to be a good tennis player (who can actually hit the ball!), winning all of my matches, and encouraging my teammates. I want to impress my professors, getting nearly perfect grades on all of my tests. I want to be the girl that knows everybody, who attends all of the events, and knows what's up around campus. I want to participate in as many bible studies and groups that I can, even becoming a leader. I want to help to end abortion, as an activist leader and by volunteering for the crisis pregnancy center. I want to be able to run far, be healthy, and play other sports. I want to be a friend and family member that is encouraging, understanding, and funny. I want to know the latest news, and be active in the cyber world. I want to learn to dance...

Anything wrong with this picture? It's not my goals, it's me. “I want, I want” What does God want in my life? It is not all about what I want. Am I willing to surrender my goals and desires to him? Am I willing to let God to take over my life? What if I fail? Am I a loser if I can't meet up to my standards?What am I holding most dear? If I am trying to stand on my own two feet, rely on myself, and be perfect, I will fail. I CAN'T be perfect. And it's a depressing thought. I can't do it at all. I have been relying on the goodness of God's grace to get me through each day, but it is dawning on me that that includes surrendering the idea that I can be someone of merit-that I can somehow earn brownie points. My righteousness is like dirty rags! I am not anything- but in God's eyes I am a treasure. Just that way, not because of anything I can do, but because I am God's child and he chose me. So when I speak a sharp word, lag behind in my sketchbook, or miss that meeting it is ok. Not because it was any less of a sin, but because God's grace is so huge. I need to give up what I can do for what He can do through my weakness.

So I still want all of these things, because they are good, godly desires. But I am willing to give even those up to Him. What do I really want most of all? I want to want what He wants. :)
my artwork


  1. This blog ends up in just the right spot. I wish everyone could get to that point, since it is the starting point of walking with Him.

    It is like the *Re-start* button. So many times, we just want the *Easy* button...

  2. Good post, and great perspective. You know I struggle with many of the same things you do. If only we could do it all, right? But then, we wouldn't have to rely on God, and life without Him would be awful! So, we live lives as examples of what His grace can do.


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