I Want to be Perfect

I want to be perfect. I do. This last week of school has been somewhat stressful, as I try to find that balance of how much I can handle and how to manage my time. So I have also been wondering why I want to do everything that I do (and already don't). I have this idea in my head of the sort of person that I want to be and somehow have to fill that role. I want to make lots of art, that all works, making several pieces that get shown, even giving advice to others along the way. I want to be a good tennis player (who can actually hit the ball!), winning all of my matches, and encouraging my teammates. I want to impress my professors, getting nearly perfect grades on all of my tests. I want to be the girl that knows everybody, who attends all of the events, and knows what's up around campus. I want to participate in as many bible studies and groups that I can, even becoming a leader. I want to help to end abortion, as an activist leader and by volunteering for the crisis pregnancy center. I want to be able to run far, be healthy, and play other sports. I want to be a friend and family member that is encouraging, understanding, and funny. I want to know the latest news, and be active in the cyber world. I want to learn to dance...

Anything wrong with this picture? It's not my goals, it's me. “I want, I want” What does God want in my life? It is not all about what I want. Am I willing to surrender my goals and desires to him? Am I willing to let God to take over my life? What if I fail? Am I a loser if I can't meet up to my standards?What am I holding most dear? If I am trying to stand on my own two feet, rely on myself, and be perfect, I will fail. I CAN'T be perfect. And it's a depressing thought. I can't do it at all. I have been relying on the goodness of God's grace to get me through each day, but it is dawning on me that that includes surrendering the idea that I can be someone of merit-that I can somehow earn brownie points. My righteousness is like dirty rags! I am not anything- but in God's eyes I am a treasure. Just that way, not because of anything I can do, but because I am God's child and he chose me. So when I speak a sharp word, lag behind in my sketchbook, or miss that meeting it is ok. Not because it was any less of a sin, but because God's grace is so huge. I need to give up what I can do for what He can do through my weakness.

So I still want all of these things, because they are good, godly desires. But I am willing to give even those up to Him. What do I really want most of all? I want to want what He wants. :)

my artwork

Longing to Belong

I don't know about you, but I think everybody wants to fit in. We have a desire to fit in, be at home somewhere. We want someone we can count on, we want to feel safe. A home to which to return when all the world seems upside down. A friend we can turn to when we are alone. A rock in the quicksand.
The sense of wanting to belong somewhere is universal to mankind. Women want someone that they can belong to, to be cared for and cherished. Men desire approval, vindication, and respect. We all want to be accepted.
I have been pondering this quite a bit lately as I move back into college life after being home for a month. Where do I belong? I love being with my family, but I can't live there forever. I love my friends and work at school, but it will be over in a couple of years. Which friends should I spend time with more? Where should I go to church? Will I ever have my own family? What should I do with my life? Where do I belong?
You see, each of us is restless at heart until we find our rest in Christ. Even then we still search for our place in this world. We do have a place in this world. But its is defined by our place in another world. Christ accepts us for who we are, us, not our sin. He chose us, his own, he predestined us from the beginning, died for us, and loves us. I am secure in the knowledge that whatever new curve life throws at me next, I am safe in God's plan, because I Belong to Him. We serve our King!
“Peace I leave with you, not as the world gives, give I unto you, Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid.”~Jesus, John 14:27