I Want to be Perfect

I want to be perfect. I do. This last week of school has been somewhat stressful, as I try to find that balance of how much I can handle and how to manage my time. So I have also been wondering why I want to do everything that I do (and already don't). I have this idea in my head of the sort of person that I want to be and somehow have to fill that role. I want to make lots of art, that all works, making several pieces that get shown, even giving advice to others along the way. I want to be a good tennis player (who can actually hit the ball!), winning all of my matches, and encouraging my teammates. I want to impress my professors, getting nearly perfect grades on all of my tests. I want to be the girl that knows everybody, who attends all of the events, and knows what's up around campus. I want to participate in as many bible studies and groups that I can, even becoming a leader. I want to help to end abortion, as an activist leader and by volunteering for the crisis pregnancy center. I want to be able to run far, be healthy, and play other sports. I want to be a friend and family member that is encouraging, understanding, and funny. I want to know the latest news, and be active in the cyber world. I want to learn to dance...

Anything wrong with this picture? It's not my goals, it's me. “I want, I want” What does God want in my life? It is not all about what I want. Am I willing to surrender my goals and desires to him? Am I willing to let God to take over my life? What if I fail? Am I a loser if I can't meet up to my standards?What am I holding most dear? If I am trying to stand on my own two feet, rely on myself, and be perfect, I will fail. I CAN'T be perfect. And it's a depressing thought. I can't do it at all. I have been relying on the goodness of God's grace to get me through each day, but it is dawning on me that that includes surrendering the idea that I can be someone of merit-that I can somehow earn brownie points. My righteousness is like dirty rags! I am not anything- but in God's eyes I am a treasure. Just that way, not because of anything I can do, but because I am God's child and he chose me. So when I speak a sharp word, lag behind in my sketchbook, or miss that meeting it is ok. Not because it was any less of a sin, but because God's grace is so huge. I need to give up what I can do for what He can do through my weakness.

So I still want all of these things, because they are good, godly desires. But I am willing to give even those up to Him. What do I really want most of all? I want to want what He wants. :)

my artwork

Longing to Belong

I don't know about you, but I think everybody wants to fit in. We have a desire to fit in, be at home somewhere. We want someone we can count on, we want to feel safe. A home to which to return when all the world seems upside down. A friend we can turn to when we are alone. A rock in the quicksand.
The sense of wanting to belong somewhere is universal to mankind. Women want someone that they can belong to, to be cared for and cherished. Men desire approval, vindication, and respect. We all want to be accepted.
I have been pondering this quite a bit lately as I move back into college life after being home for a month. Where do I belong? I love being with my family, but I can't live there forever. I love my friends and work at school, but it will be over in a couple of years. Which friends should I spend time with more? Where should I go to church? Will I ever have my own family? What should I do with my life? Where do I belong?
You see, each of us is restless at heart until we find our rest in Christ. Even then we still search for our place in this world. We do have a place in this world. But its is defined by our place in another world. Christ accepts us for who we are, us, not our sin. He chose us, his own, he predestined us from the beginning, died for us, and loves us. I am secure in the knowledge that whatever new curve life throws at me next, I am safe in God's plan, because I Belong to Him. We serve our King!
“Peace I leave with you, not as the world gives, give I unto you, Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid.”~Jesus, John 14:27

Love That Will Not Let Me Go

Here is a hymn that we sing in RUF (Reformed University Fellowship), that always serves to reminds me of the way that Christ cares for us. We can cling to him and in the darkest times the gospel becomes evermore precious to us. The song was written by George Matheson, a Scottish minister whose fiance left him when he was going blind, and his family was gone to celebrate his sister,his companion's, wedding. It is through trial that we find out just how deep and satisfying the Father's love is. The music for this hymn is quite beautiful, I urge you to look it up at Indelible Grace Music .com and listen to it.

O Love That Will Not Let Me Go

1. O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

2. O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

3. O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

4. O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

BARTER, by Sarah Teasdale

Life has loveliness to sell,
All beautiful and splendid things,
Blue waves whitened on a cliff,
Soaring fire that sways and sings,
And children's faces looking up
Holding wonder like a cup.

Life has loveliness to sell,
Music like the curve of gold,
Scent of pine trees in the rain,
Eyes that love you, arms that hold,
And for your spirit's still delight,
Holy thoughts that star the night.

Spend all you have for loveliness,
Spend it and never count the cost;
For one white singing hour of peace
Count many a year of strife well lost,
And for a breath of ectasty
Give all you have been, or could be.

Joy in the Small Things

We have all heard the saying, “stop and smell the roses.” We know that out there somewhere in our busy hectic lives there is beauty and joy. But we can't really stop right now... If you're like me, existence has been defined more by putting one foot in front of the other just to survive. For me, pressures and concerns have been slowly sapping the joy from life as I've plodded from class to class and one late night of assignments to another. But there is a better way. It involves a child-like faith in the Creator that surviving moment by moment is ok. He is taking care of us and wants us to be completely dependent on him. Knowing this provides me with an assurance that I can take a deep breath and press through day to day tasks, not without tiring, but with a strength that comes only from the Lord. It also involves in remembering to take pleasure in one's tasks, in the small things, and in our purpose. For me, this means that as wake up for a 6:00 a.m. tennis practice, I can thank the Lord that I get to play tennis. Really!, I love tennis, what a fun game! Or when I am stuck in a drawing at midnight, needing to finish but the grueling marks just won't come out right, I can remember that I love to draw. Sure there are things I do not like, but seeing those things that make one's moments sparkle help us to survive. Every time I walk past the roses on campus, I turn my head and just look at them for a second as I walk past. They really do cheer me up. One of my favorite things to cosider when all else seems to fail is the sky; I look up and just drink in the wide expanse of blue or beautiful clouds. Remembering that I am here for a reason, also helps to keep me from despair. Even if where we are doesn't make sense the way we want it to, we can know that we have purpose as Bearers of Christ's Light to our world and as saints on the road of sanctification. I pray that the Holy Spirit would fill me with his joy and hope in my life this week.

Bring the Rain

Encouraging music video featuring MercyMe.

I love cooking things that are easy and delicious. Cutting fruit or vegetables up for salad is great and so are fresh salsas! Or soup, mmm.
As we got ready to leave in the morning, we made one of my favorite casseroles to take with us. Chicken Divan! It has broccoli and chicken and cheese and delicious sauce all baked up and served over rice! yum. We also made pimiento cheese for sandwiches. That is so easy-put sharp cheddar, mayonaise, and roasted red bell peppers in the food processer and you're done!
It's great to have time-worn go-to recipes that are fairly easy to make. I am so glad I have learned more than a few from my mom who is a great cook. Thanks Momma! (P.S. complicated dishes are delicious, too)